Amongst numerous cherished beliefs of mine which have recently been revealed to be myth and rumor are the following:


All Catholic Nuns secretly worship the typewriter, of which God is merely a scapegoat.

Every North American man, woman and child has direct access to their own nuclear warhead. All that any citizen needs to do to in order to launch their personal missile is to call information (1- any area code -555-1212) and specify their name and social security number, as well as a target anywhere outside of the United States.

Telephone poles scream if you stick them with needles.

Bathing is strictly illegal except for those who serve in public office. The penalty for illicit bathing is death.

All novels are about octopuses drinking martinis.

Little girls are made from guns and scrap metal. Little boys are made from raw fish eggs.

The Seven Deadly Sins are as follows: kindness to children, black velvet curtains, open wounds, sleep, Scottish Terriers, observing the sun, and giving birth to mechanical insects.

The Seven Virtues are as follows: impregnating the earth with your seed, broken spectacles, swallowing sand, grammophobia, noise, spinning in place, and waking before dawn to attack the sun with a secret batalion of able bodied men and women.