The Following Things, Despite What THEY May Tell You, Do Not Exist. That Is, They Are Crucial To Our Continued Existence As Invalids And Cripples.

1. Tupperware parties, without which we would be not only mute but naked and free.

2. Beehive hairdos, which exist only in an ephemeral state halfway between waking and dream, forever hovering on the threshold of consciousness, threatening at any moment to consume us body and soul.

3. Flaming hunks of burning love, which have been known to strike infants and young children, condemning them to a tormented and fiery death as the last thing they hear is their blood beginning to boil.

4. Jars of urine, hovering precariously over our heads, threatening at any moment to burst, showering us with their noxious contents, do not exist. But despair not, maybe someday they will.

5. Lamp posts most certainly do not exist. So do washing machines.

6. Toaster ovens definitely exist. Neither do cattle prods.

7. Common etiquette and human civility exist in so much as automobiles and satellites exist. That is to say, not at all.