Zen and the art of excessive masturbation

Chou Chou was once seen by Dosho sitting on the temple floor at dawn and masturbating furiously. Not wishing to disturb his master's meditation, Dosho sat and waited at his master's feet. At noon the next day, Chou Chou was still masturbating. Dosho attained enlightenment. Chou Chou kept masturbating.


Zen and the art of self mutilation

Zen Master Goshu was onced asked by a disciple, "Master, if I have cut off each of my ears with a very thin piece of wire, with what shall I listen to the night fall?" Goshu recited each and every one of the koans along with their solutions, but the disciple did not hear.


Zen and the art of exposing yourself to children

Wan Lu was once heard telling his disciples, "When exposing yourself to children, do not face the south. For the south is the domain of the sun, and it is not proper to expose yourself to the sun. As well do not face the east, for the east is the domain of the ocean, and it is not proper to expose yourself to the ocean. Rather, when exposing yourself to children, face the north." Dogo, an elder disciple, asked, "But what about the west? Is it proper to expose ourselves to children while facing the west?" Wan Lu exposed himself to Dogo.


Zen and the art of arrested development

Lui Po one day asked Wu Pan, "Why is it that the sun does not crash into the moon?" Wu Pan answered, "It is because the unit for infrared remote release attaches to the front release ports of the cast aluminium alloy shell with permanently attached motor housing in lightweight magnesium around the tripod socket threads." Lui Po bowed before Wu Pan.


Zen and the art of erotic strangulation

Goshu once said to Hu Wan, "Do not swallow black ink in the presence of a woman with skin swollen from a thousand bee stings. Rather, swallow black ink in the presence of a child who, having been blinded by a poisenous snake bite, can stare into the sun with impunity." Hu Wan replied, "Master, I am bad mutherfucker Jesus Christ on acid." Goshu's second cousin was enlightened for no appearant reason.


Zen and the art of child abuse

Wen Hei, upon seeing Master Goshu arise from his morning meditation, took the opportunity to ask the Zen Master a question. "Master, is it propitious to strike a child hard across the face when the sun strays from its course in the heavens?" Goshu remained silent. Overhearing their conversation, a passing disciple replied for Goshu, "What the master means to say by remaining silent, is that it is more in accord with the way of Zen to first kick the child in the stomach, shortly thereafter to then box the ears of the child, and finally to strike the child upon the head with a large piece of wood." Goshu struck Wen Hei hard across the face. The disciple laughed and elbowed a passing child in the ribs.


Zen and the art of premature ejaculation

Lui Po one day said to Hu Wan, "It is better to..." Before Lui Po was finished, Hu Wan attained enlightenment.


Zen and the art of falling into a drunken stupor

Goshu one day said to Nobakko, "I could take your wife anyhow, nothin you ever did for me, jezuz christ where the fuck am I anyhow?" Nobakko began to cry loudly, spilling his saki. "You never loved me!" cried Nobakko, "Go to hell - you're just a pathetic ass! My wife would never even think of touching such a flea-ridden rat. You think you're such hot shit - you're just a has been! I don't need you!" Goshu threw a lazy punch and hit Nobakko in the ear, then passed out in his own vomit. Nobakko was flung to the ground by the blow, and thereby attained enlightenment.


Zen and the art of banality

Wan Lu once asked Dogo, "What is the sound of two hands clapping?" Dogo replied, "What did you look like after you were born?"


Zen and the art of erectile dysfunction, or perhaps an all consuming apathy, resulting in the inability to speak, think or move ever again

Wan Hei once noticed Gosho lying listless and prone on his back in the rain. "You are the mountain," observed Wan Hei, "strong in your stillness, unmoved by the wind or the rain." Gosho failed to respond. "You are a stone," speculated Wan Hei, "unaffected by external circumstance, fulfilling your destiny simply by being a stone." Gosho continued to lay still. "You are a fool," concluded Wan Hei, "holy in your simplicity, unattached to the outer world, and beyond the need for action or conversation." Goshu did not reply. Han Wei did not attain enlightenment.


Zen and the art of syphillis

Chou Chou one day asked Hu Wan, "What is the sound of one hand clap?" Hu Wan Replied, "Snakes enter into my mouth and nostrils via the hands of milkmaids." Chou Chou observed that Hu Wan had mysterious sores between his legs.


Zen and the art of huffing gas

"When huffing gas," once lectured Dogo, "see to it that you are only huffing gas. Do not let yourself get distracted by trivial thoughts or actions. Put all of your attention into one task. Do not let the mind wander." A short while later a disciple saw Dogo huffing gas and masturbating. "Master," asked the disciple, rather shocked to see his master going against his own advice, "did you not recently advise us to put all of our attention into one thing at a time?" Dogo answered, "Yes, when huffing gas and masturbating, see to it that you are only huffing gas and masturbating."


Zen and the art of stigmata

The beginning student of Zen looks at a mountain and sees only a mountain. The advanced student of Zen looks at a young woman bleeding from the wrists and side and sees something altogether different than a mountain. The Zen Master looks at a complex technical manual containing several diagrams of circuit boards and sees only a mountain.


Zen and the art of post traumatic stress disorder

Lui Po once said to Han Wei, "Please help me, I've fallen and have broken my hip and maybe a couple of ribs. I believe my side has been badly punctured and I seem to be quickly loosing blood." Han Wei meditated on the Koan, and after much thought replied, "But can a dog have a Buddha nature?" Lui Po was allowed to slowly bleed to death on the freshly scrubbed tiles of the temple floor. Han Wei observed, "The floor is the mind, the blood is the thoughts."


Zen and the art of inserting a catheter

Goshu once said to Dogo, "Master, I had a vision in my sleep last night in which you were surounded by ten thousand angels, each angel was surrounded by ten thousand more angels, and each of those angels was surrounded by still ten thousand more angels. I spoke with every one of the angels in turn, and every one of them enlightened me in a manner more profound than the last. After speaking with the first angel I thought I would die of bliss, after speaking with the second angel my bliss doubled, after speaking with the third angel my bliss tripled, and so it went with all of the angels in an infinitude of ever increasing bliss. All of this happened within the space of one second while I was meditating." Dogo shot Goshu point blank in the face with a Colt M1911 A1 .45 caliber semi-automatic pistol. Dogo became enlightened.


Zen and the art of swallowing uring

Dzogchu was once seen by a disciple swallowing urine from a silver cup. Turning away in disgust, the disciple crept off to a local bar to drown his thoughts in spirits, thereby to exorcise the image of his master committing such an unwholesome act. The disciple ordered a silver cup full of hot steaming urine and immediately drank half of its contents. Dzogchu came into the bar and saw his disciple, whom he approached and said, "I see you are drinking urine from a silver cup." The disciple immediately attained enlightenment.


Zen and the art of erotic strangulation

Thousands of men and woman simultaneously lose track of who they are and what they are doing. Others fail to notice the curious absence of signs of the impending disaster that may befall them. The superior man is the man who follows the way of Tao and who knows that his hair is broken and the lamp posts are screaming.